I Thought Wrong

I thought you were an angel 

Here to rescue me

Wrap your pure wings around me

Lift me up

And together we’ll fly. 

I thought you were my savior

Come for me in shinning armor 

Battling my dreams

Slaying the things that haunt me 

And we’ll ride away together. 

I thought you were my light

At the end of the tunnel 

Here to guide my way

Lead me out of the dark

Stay with me. 

Now I see

Your wings were an illusion

My demons weren’t killed

They were scared of you

And that light is just a train

That I can’t wait to hit me

I thought I was your forever

That I had saved you

Killed your demons 

I was right 

But once I fixed you

I was disposable 

Worthless

I thought wrong about you

Which torments my mind

And now I had to watch you leave

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Shattered

There is a bottle in my dresser,
Closed tight.
Every night I add to it.
It’s what I was taught,
“Bottle everything up,” they say
“No one wants to see it.”
So every night,
I open myself up,
Pour myself into the bottle,
Close the lid tight,
And try to carry on.

There is a bottle in my dresser
Almost bursting
The glass cracking,
Holding everything that’s bottled up,
If this one cracks,
The pieces will cut me open,.

Everything I tried so hard to bottle up
Is everywhere.
The bottle and I are shattered,
Nothing is contained,
Now it’s impossible to fix this and
Bottle everything up again

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Going to School

On the first day of school
I walked through the front doors
In a pink tank top and blue shorts
And a smile that reached my eyes
It was the first day of school
And the first time I was called fat
And first time boys threw food at me
And made pig noises.

On the first day back from thanksgiving break
I walk through the front doors
In skinny jeans and a big sweatshirt
And a smile that didn’t quite reach my eyes
It was the first day back
And I’ve lost 5 pounds
And I’m used to the fat jokes
And I don’t go to lunch anymore

On the first day back from winter break
I walk through the front doors
In black jeans and an old shirt
And no smile sits on my face
It’s the first day back and a new year
And I can’t look in the mirror anymore
And they found new jokes
And my friends laughed too

On the first day back from spring break
I walk through the front doors
Wearing sweatpants and long sleeves
And my eyes can’t leave the ground
It’s the first warm day
And I can’t roll up my sleeves
And they corner me again
And the first time they tell me to kill myself

On the Monday after that week
The principle walks through the front doors
In a black suit
And a grim face
It’s the first serious assembly
And the first time we see him cry
And he tells the student body
Never tell someone to kill themselves

They just might do it

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I am worth so much more

I am worth so much more
Than your lips on my neck
Hands holding me back
And your harsh voice in my ear telling me to calm down.

I am worth so much more
Than your weight pinning me down
Handprints that will later become bruises
And when the bruises fade, leave scars on my mind.

I am worth so much more
Than your hand covering my mouth
Ripping my clothes off
And letting me know that “I’m your little slut.”

I am worth so much more
Than you pinning me to the bed
Covering my mouth so I can’t scream
And telling me to “just let it happen.”

I am worth so much more
Than what you told me I was
As you tore down every wall I ever had
And rebuilt them with insults

I am worth so much more
Than being laughed at while I struggle
With tears streaming down my face
And the memories that are scorched into my mind

I know that I am worth so much more
More than you
More than having these memories define me
More than anything you taught me
I am worth so much more.

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Curled up in a bathroom stall

Curled up in the bathroom stall,
Guidance kicked me out,
My problems must not be real
Or stupid and pathetic
…like me….
So I’m curled up in the bathroom stall
Trying hard to breathe
But as each gasp comes in
I feel more and more
Like I’m suffocating
On oxygen
On life
On everything that keeps me alive because I’ve decided that I don’t want to be here
I can’t be here
Not curled up in the bathroom stall
Not having hidden panicattacks in class
Not spending my nights
Sobbing
Cutting
And holding my self back
Keeping myself alive.

Sitting here, in the cold bathroom stall
I’ve realized
I’m just a grain of sand
In a large desert
So without me, nothing changes
The world will go on
And no one will notice that I’m gone.

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Alcohol

In the corner at the party,
Holding my drink
Nursing it
No one to dance with because everyone has a partner and let’s face it
I’m not the type of girl that turns heads.
Standing in the corner with my drink
The alcohol burning my throat
It’s nice to feel the buzz
To have it so I don’t feel the pain
Or the loneliness

The more I drink
The less I feel
Swaying back and forth
Stumbling around
I just want to forget these feelings.
And I do,
But I also forget all common sense.

They find me,
Completely smashed.
A group of boys find me
Help me
But not to my house
They lead me upstairs

I am thankful I am as drunk as I am
Where I don’t feel the hands
Finding me as I stumble about
Taking what they want
Recording it

Even though I’ll barely remember most of the party tomorrow
I’ll wake up still feeling their hands
Leaving scorching marks on my skin
Scars that will last forever.

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Sticks and Stones

Sticks and stones may break my bones
But your words will
Leave scars that refuse to fade even after so much time.

Sticks and stones hurt but not as much as the blade I pick up every night because those actions taught me I deserve pain.

Your words will never hurt me any more than I can hurt myself because those words are now stuck in my head to remind me every moment.

Sticks and stones do break my bones
But your words will forever haunt me

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Knives in front of Me

You’d think it’d be my back
That’s full of knives.
But no.
The cruelty of people now
Is they aren’t afraid to plunge their poisoned knife straight into my skin with their eyes locked on mine and a smile on their face.
There are some stabs in the back
Some betrayal behind me
But now they know
That even if they do it right in front of my eyes
I can’t -no- I won’t do a thing
Because part of me still things
They could change.
I’ve never learned my lesson.
People don’t change.
You just can’t always feel the knife until they twist it deep inside where pulling it out could kill me.

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Drifting

You can feel it
No words are said
But you can feel it
Feel as they drift away
Leaving you behind
Like a ghost
Invisible
They saw you once
As the only few people
Who looked and saw
Have now closed their eyes
Turned away
And left you to fade out
Without even a second thought
Without looking back
Even if they decided to open their eyes
You’ve already faded from their sight
Even if they decided to open their eyes
They’ll only see what they want
That panted smile they used to see right through is the only thing they see.

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Go Fuck Yourself (warning, lots of cursing and foul language)

There is not a single word
In the entire English language
Or any language at that
To give you and idea
How absolutely pissed off I am.

Violence is not the answer
But it sure as hell seems like the only thing that might get through your thick skull.
Coursing through my veins
Rage
Hurt
And disbelief that I could be so gullible.

I can’t even begin
I can’t even fucking begin
To speak
To even look
At your disgusting face.

This whole situation
Is fucking pathetic.
And you
You, my fake friend,
Deserve to be fucking slapped.
But even then
You still wouldn’t understand.
You’d blow it off
And be the little pussy bitch you always are
Always have been.
I wish I had seen that before.

You make my blood boil
And you don’t even care.
go fuck yourself

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